And I can't account for why/how I feel some of the time.
Seems like a commonly experienced part of being human, no?
We'll be walking away from a situation together (e.g. hang out time with friends, church, work, etc.) and my wife will suddenly become aware that something different is going on inside of me. We were probably having fun previously. I was laughing and joking and carrying on as I'm wont to do. And suddenly: Different.
And I don't have a great poker face when it comes to my wife. A pretty shitty one, actually. She'd take ALL the monies from me.
H: [genuinely compassionate] What's going on? You seem upset.
B: [through gritted teeth] I'm FINE.
Pretty classic, right?
And I have an EXTREMELY clear cut choice in these situations.
Choice 1: Go there. Engage. Feel. Trust my wife. Pray. Cry. Be vulnerable.
Choice 2: Hide. Pretend. Repress. Blame. Default to anger. Project frustration onto others.
And wouldn't you just know it. I go with Choice 2 almost every time. It's comfortable. It's instinct.
Sometimes I begin by [pretending] like I didn't fully hear her question or making sure I'm not the first one to talk because [hiding] is easier. "No, of course everything is fine. Why wouldn't it be? And how dare you ask the question..." as I begin to [project] my frustration and [blame] the person who is seeking to extend love and compassion. The battle between [repression] and [anger] boils within me. And anger tends to win these battles in the end. Hot trumps cold.
And so I become angry at the person who is trying to love me well.
And why?
I expect that I alone should be able to grasp the mysterious vagaries of my feelings.
And then fix myself.
Without help.
ALONE.
How ridiculous.